Insult to Injury

I mentioned in my second podcast that I'd injured my ankle falling down the stairs and then in my third podcast the impact said injury was having on my life.

While I by no means suffer from anxiety as a condition, I think we all in our day-to-day lives suffer from anxiety or stress in one form or another. But just because everyone does, doesn't mean that it's something we should just suffer through and I do my level best to ensure that it is kept to the lowest level possible.

As I mentioned in my podcast, I do this with a combination of writing everything down (to get back in control of the situation); working out (to rid myself of nervous energy); and knitting and crafting (to relax).

This combination has always worked well for me, but has sadly been reduced to just two elements since my accident. I am by no means an athletic person, but the lack of movement in my life was really starting to tell - I was finding it difficult to wind down after the working day, I was feeling low about the loss of fitness, I was waking up at 5am again and obsessively running through my to-do list, even my back was starting to ache from all the sitting in the office and then at home. To cap it all my moods and energy levels were up and down like Tower Bridge.

I am now gradually getting back to my old routine - I'm walking from the bus stop to my office again, which is about a fifteen minute walk and really blows the cobwebs away before and after work. I'm not attending classes yet, but I am going to the gym most evenings to row and do weights. I'm hoping to start back at Pilates this coming week and then I'll monitor the situation and will get back to Insanity and Spinning as soon as I can.

It's strange to think how big a loss this has been to me, how very much the lack of movement has impacted on my mental health. I have to admit that I thought I'd be laid up for two weeks max and then could dive back into my classes like nothing had happened. Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky and I'm having to take it slower than I would like.

But walking again and getting to the gym is a wonderful feeling - already my moods are evening out and I am ten times more capable of handling the workday stress. I am savouring every gym visit so much more than before and I am so so happy every time my ankle allows me to do a little more.

I may well not be back to classes until the New Year, which does make me sad as I was making such progress and was really enjoying them. But I can already see the positive impact on my mental health that getting back to the gym has had and I'm so grateful for that.

As I said, I don't suffer from anxiety disorder, but I do think you should look after your mental health as you do your body. Keeping yourself as well as possible, instead of only addressing issues when something is wrong. Take good care of yourself, and, if you think that you suffer from more than just everyday anxiety, please do speak to your doctor.

Not Strong, Not Skinny

I rejoined the gym at the beginning of August and nearly two months later, I read something in an old Grazia magazine recently, from Ruby Tandoh, that really struck a chord with me:

"I'm worried about the idea that 'strong is the new skinny'. There's a creeping sense of what we should be, of what's ideal. We're not getting rid of horrible body standards that make people unwell, but continually moving the goalposts. It's wrong."

As you know, I prefer to share life over lifestyle here. While it's wonderful to show off beautiful finished pieces and share perfectly curated posts, sometimes it's worthwhile (for me and, hopefully, you) to show a little more than that. The mess beyond the camera; how many times you cast on before it was right; how sometimes you don't feel as good as the pictures might suggest.

It's a powerful thing, I think, to share the warts and all stuff.

When I joined the gym, I had all these dreams - I was going to be this total powerhouse. Rippling thighs, washboard abs and chiselled arms.

Two months in, I realise, that just ain't be. I now going to the gym between 4-6 times a week, depending on what I'm doing that week, how I feel and what I think my body needs. I still eat relatively well - with the exception of a love of the sweet stuff - but we tend to use cheese and butter in our cooking over vegetable fats and... no cheese.

I looked at my diet and thought - if I cut out all those (yummy, luscious) fats and those sweet treats and aimed to maintain a 6 day a week gym routine, I could probably look exactly as I envisaged by my 30th birthday in March.

And here's the thing - I don't care as much about image as I do about being happy. While I don't mind cutting back on the things I ought to, I'm not willing to give them up completely. I love food, eating out and trying new things is one of my greatest pleasures.

Healthy for me does not necessarily mean what it means to you. Healthy for me is getting movement into every day, eating well, but without depriving myself, continuing to see the gains I'm seeing now in every class, working up to heavier weights.

It may mean I never have the athletic build I originally thought I was aiming for - but at least I won't be suffering from guilt or frustration. This is the balance that works for me at the moment, it might change in the future.

Finding what works for you, rather than fulfilling whatever new look there is, is key - in my opinion - to falling in love with yourself. And I applaud Ruby for pointing out that you don't have to worry about moving goalposts if you shoot for your own goals.

Craft Corner Clear Out

One of the things I really wanted to do was tidy up my craft corner. We don't have the biggest flat, so my craft corner was getting a little out of hand. Evidence below...

Ahem. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

I got up super early one morning, popped on some podcasts and determined to get it all sorted out and tidied up before I headed out for the day.

It got worse before I got better, let me tell you. But now look at it! Isn't it neat and lovely? I removed the fabric I had stacked in my wicker basket, loaded it all into canvas bags and put it in the wardrobe, so that I had more room in the basket for sock yarn and scrap yarn. Then the open basket in the top stores all my current WIPS or things I want to start really soon.

First up! My Cosy Memories Blanket. I love love love this. It's so lovely just to pick up and put down, all the colours are wonderful and, in my clear out, I found scraps from old projects that I can work into this. Brilliant!

Pattern is The Cosiest Memory by Kemper Wray, although I've modded it slightly - using bigger needles and casting on 50 stitches instead of 46.

Then there's my poor neglected Cornish Lilli Pilli. I put this on hiatus when I decided to crack on and get the Christmas stockings finished, but now it's time to get back on this. I'd love to have this finished by the end of the year - wouldn't it look lovely with a light jacket in the spring? And then over summer dresses on chillier evenings?

The brilliant team at Love Knitting.com sent me some of their new Paintbox Yarns range to try out. I'm not quite sure what to do with the acrylics yet - I'm musing on baby clothes (not pregnant), but have yet to fix on any patterns - but the cottons are perfectly, festively frosty. So these are going to become a little something for decorating the flat this Christmas. I'll report back on these yarns once I've knit them up - there'll be a full review in the FO post! But in the meantime - the squish test and the colour lover test have both delivered thumbs up!

I hate actually doing the clearing out - mainly because it always gets worse before it gets better, which is always awful - but I love the result. Finding things you'd forgotten about is a joy and it's so inspiring when things are easy to find and use.

Not So Unpretty

After my post on Tuesday, I had lots of lovely comments and messages, reassuring me that I was pretty. Which was really lovely and thank you to everyone who left a message, but it made me stop and think - is that what I actually meant?

I am very much about life over lifestyle here at The Possibility Engine. While I love to share posts diving into the detail on a project or detailing how I bullet journal, sometimes it's cathartic to simply write and hit publish without worrying about whether what you're sharing is going to result in views and shares and all those things we bloggers ought to consider. 

But sometimes, you have to share what it true for you in that moment.

And in doing so, I learnt something - it's not actually about pretty.

The responses I received were so full of kindness, but I realised that the reassurance they offered was not what I felt I was missing. I dwelled on that for a few days and realised that the times I felt 'unpretty' were weekday mornings, looking in the mirror at work and weekends when I didn't make an effort.

And it slowly dawned on me - it's not about pretty, it's about me.

I've blogged before about struggling with the 9-5, because I've always worked shifts, and with the formal office environment, because I've never worked in one before. While I am getting used to it, I still spend an awful lot of my week looking like someone else. 

Who knew that that could have an impact on someone who professes to not be that interested in clothes and outward appearances?

Friday was dress down day and I felt so much lighter in my jeans, ankle boots and mustard shirt and I felt a sense of relief that, with a week off coming up, I was rid of my work wardrobe for a while. I was free to be myself and dress in a way that makes me feel right in my own skin.

That comfort is such a solid foundation - I feel like I make better decisions and generally feel happier, calmer and more at ease and able to handle stress and juggle the various things I have to juggle.

I misinterpreted a desire to be myself as a desire to be pretty. But turns out that, for me, pretty isn't about what I look like in the mirror - it's actually about looking in to the mirror and recognising myself.

Thanks for sticking with me through a rambling week, normal service will resume next week! In the meantime, I'm going to take a look at my work wardrobe to see how I can Nikki-fy it.

Unpretty

 "You don't have to be pretty. You don't owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don't owe it to your mother, you don't owe it to your children, you don't owe it to civilisation in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked 'female'."
- Diana Vreeland

These are words that I have lived by all my life. I have been fiercely 'unpretty' for as long as I can remember. A tomboy, I didn't get into clothes or hair or make-up and so my skills in those departments are lacking heavily. I never cared about being the hot one in my group of friends or turning heads in the street.

I was always ferociously focused on the other things I had to offer - I like to think that I'm interesting, driven, a good friend, fun to be around. All the kind of things that are actually worth something, unlike the unearned prize of 'pretty' or 'photogenic'.

If I sound scathing I don't mean too - there is nothing wrong with it. After all, a gorgeous person can no more help what they look like than anyone else. We live the hand we are dealt and I was happy to do so, bouncing along untroubled by my uncut fringe and ability to make even the neatest outfit look scruffy.

Until.

Until I noticed a little voice in my head that started saying a little more regularly than I would like 'But wouldn't it be nice to be the pretty one for a change? Why am I never the pretty one?'

And I am so ashamed of that voice because that is so incredibly anti-what I actually believe about the world and about a woman's place in it. You should be loved for your laughter lines, for your endless collection of dirty jokes, for the way you fold your underwear or the way you speak to waiters. These are the things that are you - the things that make up who you are as a person.

And yet.

Life isn't easy at the moment and I look at pretty people and I think - it must be so nice to get something so right without even trying. Pretty looks so easy to me - I am probably a million miles away from the truth here, but that's what it looks like.

Perhaps its 30, close enough that I can hear it whistling away in the distance. And with it the realisation that maybe 'elegant' and 'polished' is not something that is ever going to come naturally to me. Perhaps that's what I'm actually mourning here and what I need to do is learn to straighten my hair and find a lipstick I don't scrub off on the back of my hand within half an hour. Perhaps I'm tired of my rebellion and I do want to address what I always considered the inconsequential outside.

Pretty is not a rent I want to pay. Pretty is a rent I refuse to pay for the satisfaction of others. But it is a rent I feel I owe myself - to dig deep and find my own pretty, just between me and the mirror. Because in that way, pretty is its own kind of strength.

The Bad Skin Blitz

I am not the most beauty conscious of people. My daily make-up routine is minimal at best and the only thing I ever really think to do is look after my skin - cleanse, tone and moisturise and never go to bed with my make up on - and my eyebrows. Although I confess that after acquiring two tattoos on Saturday, I wasn't really in the mood for the burns-like-fire pain of eyebrow threading so they aren't looking their best.

But lately, my skin has not been looking its best. I'm lucky that I normally have pretty good skin. Even as a teenager I never suffered from acne and then and now my break outs tend to be hormonal and short lived.

However, a combination of factors has left me feeling spotty and gross lately. While Rich and friends have assured me my skin looks fine, I'm aware that it's not its usual self and I need to do something about it.

First up the why. Much as I would love to pretend this isn't a factor, chocolate is a major contributor. I eat so much of it at work as the shop is so close and popping out for sweets is a good excuse to get away from the desk and stretch my legs. I also don't always drink enough water and regular gym visits have probably also not helped much.

So time to tackle those factors one by one...

No chocolate during the week
I rely on sweets to get me through the working day and this is an appalling habit. But I'm not made of stone, so I'm not going without completely. It's just time for treats to be just that - treats that I can savour and enjoy. So they are now a weekend thing.

Lots - and lots! - of water
I've always found more water the quickest route to clearing up my skin. So I'm aiming for 2-4 litres a day. Don't make water noises, I can't bear it.

Scrub up!
It's tempting when I get back from the gym to flop immediately. But instead, I force myself into the shower, where I use a salt scrub on my face and chest and then Original Source Mint & Tea Tree shower gel, which kills off all the sweaty bacteria that leaves me spotty. It's easily the best post-exercise shower gel I've found. I've replaced my usual witch hazel based toner with a tea tree one for the time being and have got myself a pot of Don't Look At Me by Lush, which should help clear things up as quickly as possible.

What are your tips for clearing up and taking care of your skin?

In the footsteps of Mary Anning...

This weekend we made the last minute decision to take a road trip to Charmouth and go fossil hunting.

I threw some stuff into a bag - my Kindle, the latest Pom Pom Quarterly and my current stocking project - and Rich made up a quick picnic.

(Pro-tip - when taking the time to check you have the heel pattern on your phone, do check that you've actually packed the contrast colour for the heel. I finished up the foot of my stocking within half an hour and then had nothing to occupy my hands.)

We did hit traffic, which we hadn't considered and is probably inevitable when it's a Saturday in August, but we arrived with the sun still blazing down. We scrambled onto the beach and immediately started scouring the stones at our feet for fossils.

This was a really interesting trip for me, as when I was younger I really wanted to be an paleontologist. Even at the age of ten, I didn't just want a role model to follow in the footsteps of, I wanted a female role model. In the time before Google, all I could find was Mary Anning (Dr Ellie Sattler was, I'd decided, brilliant, but as a Paleobotanist, just not what I was after, thanks).

Mary Anning worked in Lyme Regis, where she spent the winter months searching for fossils to be rescued from the tide. This was not dainty work that involved just an afternoon stroll and the leisurely plucking of finds from the stones between her feet. This was arduous work that involved a woman in full skirts and corset, wielding a hammer, surviving rock falls and the discovery of an ichthyosaur and two pleiosaurs.

As a woman, she was not permitted to fuly engage in scientific life, nor was she eligible to join any of the scientific societies. But she was consulted and made many key discoveries that led to her to being named one of the ten British women who have most influenced the history of science.

I never visited any of the beaches that Anning explored at the height of my prehistoric mania, so it was a treat to do so now. I have to admit that I thought I'd be coming home with bags full of finds, but after about ten minutes on the beach I realised it was going to be a lot trickier than I had thought.

I was lucky though, to light upon a starfish. Not a fossil, but the impression left by one on a small stone. It has come home with me as a lucky charm.

I'm still thinking about Mary, in her tightly laced boots and her obstructive skirts, marching down the beach, hammer in hand. While I might not have taken the path my ten-year-old self dreamed of, I still think of that woman who was my first hero and I was happy to have walked in her footsteps this weekend.

The Reluctant Gym Bunny

I joined the gym last weekend, after almost a year without a membership and a few months filled with half-hearted attempts to work out at home.

I'm not a natural gym bunny by any means. My favourite things to do are to sit and read or write or knit or crochet. Sure, I might like a walk every now and again, especially now we're by the sea, but you won't ever find me citing 'working out' as one of my favourite things to do.

But, in a terrible case of Catch 22, I like how fit feels. I feel much happier about my body when I'm working out and really enjoy the feeling of strength.

About a month after Rich moved to Portsmouth, I quit the gym. The expense and time spent on travelling to visit each other was starting to take its toll and with Christmas and masses of overtime coming up, the gym felt like the only thing that could give.

Once I moved to Portsmouth, I tried running. But I hate running. I have always hated running. It just feels so pointless to me - where am I running to? Wouldn't this be much nicer as a stroll? I tried yoga and Pilates videos at home after work, but they didn't stick either. So I headed down to my local gym and signed up.

What a revelation! Why on earth didn't I do this as soon as I moved?!

I'm still not into the gym as a thing to do for love, but it's a damn sight easier for me than working out by myself. In my first week I attended four classes - spin, Insanity, legs bums and tums and abs and core.

And it was easy.

Well, not the classes themselves. They were sweaty and knackering. But the doing of them was easy. Getting myself out of the door to run when I can go any time I like is hard. Getting myself home and changed and out of the door for an 8pm spinning class feels easy by comparison. All I've got to do is get myself out of the door, then I just do as I'm told.

I think that's why the gym works for me - it's an hour of blissful nothing. Go faster you say? Ok! Turn up the resistance? Sure! Do one more circuit? Hold it for 30 more seconds? Well, it's not the most comfortable thing in the world, but ok, if you say so...

If I ever were to use the word love in relation to working out, then this would probably be where'd I use it because I love switching my brain off after a long day, but knowing that I'm getting loads out of the experience.

I think I'd like to share more about my attempt to get really fit here on the blog. I don't think I'm quite at the before/after shot stage, but I think it's a positive thing to share. Especially as I'm no die-hard gym-bunny, just a craft-making, cake-eating knitter trying to make healthier choices.

Monogamy Again (or: One Thing at a Time)

For a little while there, I was making all the things at once. I was working on my Weasley Jumper, while casting on my Cornish Lilli Pilli, pottering away at my Christmas 2016 stockings and had even started a successful sock.

I'm not usually someone who works on loads of things at once. I'm very much a one-thing-at-a-time kinda girl so that I can give whatever it my full attention.

So, with so many things on the needles, it al started to feel fragmented and fraught. Little bits here and there ended up feeling like no actual progress was being made on anything.

Perhaps I really am just a monogamist at heart.

I've put my Cornish Lilli Pilli into temporary hiatus so that I can focus on my four Christmas stockings. Ideally, I'd like these to be completely finished, with hand stitched initials, pom-poms and mini Christmas jumper decorations, by the autumn.

I have no other plans for making Christmas gifts, so this way I can focus on some just-for-fun Christmas makes.

My plans for the time being are to streamline my life a little more. To do as much as possible to remove things that feel like pressure and create anxiety. I don't have the time I used to have - I need to accept that and embrace a new way of doing things.

I have had 'design alphabet' in my bullet journal for weeks now, making me feel anxious about my lack of progress. So, for the time being, I've scratched it from my list. Stockings first, then pom-poms, then designing and stitching the initials, then the mini jumpers.

And suddenly I can breathe again. There's no sense of guilt when I choose one project over another, no feeling of failure when I add something to my to-do list for the umpteenth time. These days, I come in and I pick up a stocking and I work on it for the mindless, simple pleasure of it. The next project will be there when these are done, as will the next and the one after that.

Maybe one day I'll be in a position to knit all the things again, but for now I'm trying to tackle everything one bite at a time, instead of biting off more than I can chew.

Re-Wilding

I have never felt quite so tame in all my life.

For the first time in my life I have A Job - a career ladder, a 9am-5.30pm, a corporate wardrobe (well, what passes for one with me). And my god, this shit is tame.

Here's the thing, I'm not a wild-child by any means. While I went out a lot during and after uni and had a damn good time, dancing all night, I was never wild in the dry ice, tequila slammers sort of way. But I have always felt, in my soul, like a wildling. Even if my version of a wildling is more Miss Tiggy Winkle than Miley Cyrus.

But now I work 9-5.30, Monday - Friday, something that I'd never done before or ever really expected to do. While I am happy to have a job and very grateful for the opportunities it offers, it is still taking some getting used to.

On my week off, Rich and I spent a lot of time outside, exploring the New Forest, picking fruit for homemade jam, heading down to the beach for ice creams and stomping about through the woods. And I realised that I need more of that.

A sense of freedom for me is getting away from the every day, tramping through fields and coming home with messy hair and grubby toes. Throwing open the windows and sleeping with the wind billowing the curtains and swirling through our bedroom. Walking the 4.5miles home and going straight past my road to the sea, to soak my aching feet.

It's hard, in the workaday world, to get off the daily treadmill. Goodness knows that I am tempted most evenings to simply flop on the sofa, knit a couple rows and watch Homeland. But that is tame and not something that makes me happy.

Am I as wild as I once was? Not quite, but I'm working on it.

Goal Power

I've always been a list maker, my mind feels so jumbled if I don't get things out of it and onto paper. However, I've never been much of a goal setter really. I've never had anything that I've really been actively working towards, things in my life have tended to happen organically.

About two years ago, Rich and I decided to buy a house together and this was probably my first experience of goal setting. I set myself a monthly target, adjusted this over the first few months until I found an amount that worked for me, checked in monthly, tracked my progress and re-adjusted how much I was saving after moving to Portsmouth. This was a really active process that has borne incredible results.

Right now, my main goals are financial, professional and physical. I'm not quite ready to share my professional and financial plans, they are fairly interlinked, but I thought it might be useful to share how I'm using goal setting techniques to make physical changes.

For me, 'physical' encompasses diet and exercise and how I feel in my own body. It had never occurred to me that you could set goals for your body because health is such an ongoing, daily thing and goals feel so final.

But I started thinking about it - how could I harness the power of goals to create a body that works optimally for me and that I feel great in?

Firstly I set myself some daily goals - drinking enough, eating well and moving every day - and I track these in my bullet journal. I have a monthly calendar, where I jot down events, birthdays and appointments, but there is also space to track daily habits by just colouring in a square. I can see at a glance how I've fared with my healthy habits and if there are any patterns that would be useful to know about.

So far I've noticed that I find it much easier to hydrate on weekdays - the tap water is gross at work, so I leave my Klean Kanteen at home and pick up a 2 litre bottle on my way in. This sits on my desk and is a constant reminder to drink. So I know that I need to keep water with me at all times so that it's just automatic to sip away all day.

Next up, I jotted down how I wanted to look and feel. This free-thinking mind-mapping was really great - I wasn't tied down by what I thought I should set as goals. I emptied my brain, in much the same way I did after Blogtacular, and then studied that brain-dump for things I could pull out as goals:

Feel good running
I'm mildly asthmatic, so I want to improve my lung function with regular cardio. Also the ultimate feeling of health for me is a really good run, where you feel like you're flying.

More flexibility
This feels really necessary now that I'm in a full-time desk-bound job. I feel so stiff, especially when I get on the yoga mat and attempt postures that used to come naturally, so I know that I need this.

Well rested
I am really struggling with this. An earlier bedtime feels like a resentful concession to the 9-5, but sleep is something I really need. I feel like I'm only ever running at about 65% these days. I haven't figured this one out yet, but it's high on the list!

Toned thighs
This is incredibly personal and I hesitated to share it because it's actually quite hard to say - I loathe my thighs. I have a pretty good relationship with my body. Yes, there are things I would like to change, but it's not something I dwell on. My thighs though... Oh boy... They are so pale you can see my veins and they are incredibly difficult to tone up. I've started wearing shorts to get used to getting them out, so that I can break down this feeling of dislike and normalise that for myself and I'm hoping that running and yoga will tone them up.

Tattoos
I've always wanted tattoos, but I've never really settled on any. I now have three that I would love to have, so I'm on the look out for a great tattooist. If there are any in Hampshire or London that you would recommend, please let me know! I'm also saving up so that I've got the cash when I find the person.

These are so much more concrete than a vague sense of wanting to be 'fitter' or 'more at home' in my skin. These are things you can create steps to, things that can be ticked off so that when you're flagging you can refer back and see that how far you've already come!

Taking a Break

I spoke about the cult of busy a little while ago and how I'm trying to find a balance in my life at the moment, so this is me stepping up and taking charge of the runaway train that is my life at the moment.

After Blogtacular, all I want to do is write on this blog and I have so many ideas that I really want to pursue, but unfortunately, I think I do have to accept that, right now, I can't maintain my usual three post a week schedule. I've decided to cut back to two, so I have more time to focus on the quality of my posts, rather than the quantity.

I'm also taking a week off work fairly soon.

I realised that I haven't really had a break since Rich moved to Portsmouth back in October. I was working and travelling to see him; there was overtime (a lot of overtime) in the run up to Christmas; Christmas itself was exhausting; then there was job hunting, preparing to move, moving, starting a new job... It's no wonder that I feel worn into threads.

So the first week of July is all for me! I'm seeing a friend I haven't seen for years on the Friday and we're going to Bath for a fun day out. But that is the only plan I have! I think I'd like to hit the gym a few times - I feel like what I need is a jumpstart in that area which will make it easier to keep going.

I'd also like to get to know this area a little better - I've been living here since April and I only really know what's around work and along my road. I want to winkle out some interesting places to see and fun things to do.

Lastly, I want to make stuff! Tiredness has had a detrimental effect on my making. I haven't stopped, but I have lost that real juicy love of it, which is sad.

I want to make knitting plans, cast on things, swatch out that design I've been talking about and finally get my brand new sewing machine out of the box. Perhaps, if we're lucky, I'll finish that dress I started last year (!!) and we'll have a few FOs in the week after :)

The Cult of Busy

I don't like being 'busy', I never have. Even though I'm a chatterbox and enjoying spending time with people, I have introvert tendencies that mean I need regular quiet time alone. Part of this is a change of pace - I hate having massive to-do lists and never-ending events to attend. I can only enjoy a busy weekend if I know I have the next one, blissfully, gloriously, free.

I have always run my life in avoidance of 'busy'. I worked shifts which meant I often had weekdays free to run errands, which is always quicker and easier than trying to do the same things on weekends. Shifts also meant that chores got done over a few days, rather than crammed into evenings to keep the weekends empty and I always had time to spend a few hours quietly recalibrating myself for the busier times ahead.

Busy, busy, busy.

I feel like this time last year I had a good balance and right now I'm really struggling. I have never worked 9-5 before in my life and I'm still really trying to figure out how to balance that, plus the couple of hours commuting everyday, with exercise, quiet time, running a home, socialising and doing the things that I am really passionate about doing...

How on earth do you fit all that in and still sleep?!

There are no tips here, unfortunately. I wish I had already worked all this out and could tell you the magic formula for balancing the stuff you have to do with the stuff you love to do.

Is there a magic formula? I see people online working, having families and still managing to do all the things I don't feel like I have much time for anymore. So surely it is possible?

I have to remember though that I don't know these people - I don't know what struggles occur behind the scenes or what their work/family/financial situation is like.

That's the only tip I have at the moment - be assured by other people that it is possible. Don't be downhearted that they're doing it and you're not. You just need to figure out how to duck out of the Cult of Busy.

Currently...

Rich is away again so I'm pottering about at home, mulling over plans and casting on new things. The weather is slowly warming up into something like regular summer days, so it felt like a good time for a catch up post, looking over what I'm currently working on...

Blocking...

The knitting on the Weasley Jumper With An N is finished! I have to find the time and space to block this out before I seam up it. I'm hoping to do that this week as I would love to get pictures this weekend (before it gets properly scorching!) so I can share it with you next week.

Blogtacular!

I'm off to Blogtacular in only a couple of weeks and I simply cannot wait! I've ordered myself a set of mini cards so I've got something to hand out while I'm there and I'm crossing my fingers that I've got a place on the photo walk.

Really looking forward to meeting new people, learning new things and having a great time. It also falls on Worldwide Knit In Public Day so I'll have my knitting with me. Will any other knitters be there? Where are you planning to knit in public while you're there?

Casting on...

The Cornish Lilli Pilli is finally on the needles and it's lush! I'm so happy with the colours that Amy of Stranded Dyeworks produced and I know it's going to knit up beautifully.

That being said, I have pulled this out a couple of times already. For such a beautiful shawl, I want to make sure that I'm doing the best I can and, frankly, my cast on and first few rows of garter stitch were sloppy to say the least. So off it came and I tried again. I tend to fuss over my cast on, I don't know why.

Wardrobe Architect

I hadn't heard about this until Katie of Inside Number 23 mentioned it and now I am obsessed! The Wardrobe Architect is a series of posts from Collette to help you create a cohesive wardrobe. I just want to work through it and create a wardrobe of elegantly matching things... I've never really been particularly good at clothes and creating a 'me' look, so that's probably why this fascinates me so much. I'm definitely going to be doing this! 

I am also newly obsessed with Deer & Doe Bleuet Dress (also mentioned by Katie) that I would make in a heartbeat if I didn't think it was totally beyond my current capabilities.

Figuring out an exercise plan

I am pretty down about how unfit I am compared with last year, but joining a gym isn't really feasible right now. I'm not that into gyms, I'm much more into classes and with work and traffic I can't guarantee that I'll actually get to a class on time. Part of the reason I love classes is that I don't have to think about it - once I'm there, the hard work feels like it's over because I can't leave and someone else is pushing me. While I don't love exercising for its own sake, I really do love that feeling.

While I can't do classes, I'm looking into other options that I can do at home as soon as I get in. I like weights, Pilates and yoga - does anyone know any good videos?

Just Add Time

On Monday, I sat down to fill out my June pages in my Bullet Journal, ready for the new month. As I did so, I realised I had only used half a page in May for my bullet journal list. This made me incredibly sad as I love my BuJo and when I started using it back in March, I was getting so much done. I felt accomplished and able to cope with the to-do list.

These days, I realised on Monday, my to-do list is fairly simple: work and household chores. 

There's not really any need to write those down, is there? But this makes me sad, as there are a million things I want to be doing outside work - from sewing and learning to make garments, to creating podcasts and videos, regular gym classes and time to simply sit and knit.

My commute has had a great effect on my reading, but commuting and a 9-5 job has had a significant impact on the time I have to pursue personal goals. That is really not what I want in my life - my creative pursuits are incredibly important to my mental health and happiness (as is the gym!) and I need to make space for them in my life.

So I'm toying with how my bullet journal can help me with this.

Firstly, I considered how I'm now using it. The answer is - barely. I don't take it to work as I have a separate notebook there for work to-dos and reminders and I find I don't often need it at work. However, I do jot myself non-work reminders on post-its and that's really what I ought to be using my Bullet Journal for, so from now on, it's coming with me.

I'm considering the idea of monthly goals. I don't want to put pressure on myself, in the little time I have to do what I want to do, but perhaps I need to start scheduling things in that are important to me. Monthly targets could certainly help with that. 

I am also looking around the internet for inspiration - how do so many people get so much done when they have work or children or both? Surely, I'm just not using my time as wisely. 

If you know of any great blogs that discuss how they find time to knit or sew or take photos or write - please send me the link! I would love to know! 

Daylesford Farm

This weekend I tagged along with Rich to Daylesford Farm Festival. He was making a film for Daylesford Farm and I came along to carry his tripod (hence the less than awesome pictures, which were taken when I had a free hand with my iPhone!)

I'd heard about this place from Rich's previous trips, but it's nothing to actually seeing it. Not only is it absolutely enormous, it's 100% completely organic - from its dairy and meat production to its skincare range. Now, that's saying something.

I feel like I learnt a lot on this trip and I have to admit that I feel somewhat overwhelmed by the information that was available. So let's start at the beginning...

Daylesford Farm is owned by the Bamford family, who turned their estate over to sustainable farming practices over thirty years ago. Nowadays, the entire farm is run on organic and sustainable methods and has grown to include clothing and skincare as well as food. To say it's impressive is an understatement - their commitment to goodness drives everything they do.

My favourite part of the day was the farm tour with Farm Manager Richard Smith, who seems to know everything there possibly is to know about farming. Hearing about how they raise their animals was eye-opening. Organic costs more than non-organic and we certainly don't buy 100% organic. But when you are looking at animals that are raised well, you can really make the connection between the certification and the cost.

Daylesford animals live longer, happier lives. Babies are kept with their mothers, they are left to roam and the bulk of their diet is naturally foraged. The food - meat or dairy - that is then created from them is miles better than anything battery farmed.

'Free range', I also discovered, is not always an accurate term. You have to earn an 'organic' classification through stringent audits and when you buy organic, you know for absolute certain what that means. Free range is a much woolier term.

If you ever get the chance to visit Daylesford, I would say go. Seeing an organic farm in action is incredibly inspiring. Rich and I are changing our buying habits based on what we learned this weekend - less meat and all of it organic from now on.

On Sunday, we ate a delicious breakfast of crumpet bread and poached blue Legbar eggs, treats that I picked up in the farm shop before we headed home. A good and simple meal, that was made tastier by the knowledge that it was all good stuff, raised well and handmade. What could be better than that?

Our Weekend at Sawpit Wagon

Last weekend, for Rich's birthday, we stayed here. (I know. Take a minute, it's pretty stunning, right?)

This is the Sawpit Wagon on the Stock Gaylard estate near Sherbonne in Dorset, which we found on Canopy & Stars (worth checking out in its own right!) here.

We first spotted this lovely place online back in August last year, before Rich had a new job, when we were still planning to buy in London. It was so popular, that it was booked up until mid-April, so we decided to come for his birthday.

After the month we'd had, this weekend was absolutely perfect and just what we needed.

Tucked away in its own little field, surrounded by nothing for miles but deer, sheep and bluebells, this was such a haven.

The wagon itself was insanely cosy. This tiny bay window was just over our big squishy bed and there was a sofa along the wall, a little table and a gas stove and grill to cook on, though we did most of our cooking outside.

It immediately reminded me of The Globe, with it's sharp fresh smell of wood and it was delicious to be curled up on the bed drinking hot chocolate out of enamel while the rain pattered down above our head.

There was plenty to do round abouts - Corfe Castle was mentioned in the local guidebook provided by the owners - but we barely left our little home, except to venture out for supplies and a lovely roast dinner on Sunday at The White Hart in the next village (heartily recommend!).

The amenities were all outside - with an outdoor shower and sink for washing up and a compost loo. I admit to being a bit wary about the shower in particular, but it was glorious! It was lovely and hot and you could look out over the fields and woods while washing your hair.

As for the loo, well, when the view is full of trees and bluebells, you can hardly complain can you? In fact, it was actually really pleasant to use (unlike my experience of festival toilets!). I confess that I didn't venture out to use the loo once it was full dark as this city girl was actually quite surprised by just how dark the dark is.

Isn't that daft? But I've honestly never been in such total darkness before. Even wandering back to the house in Rich's village, while darker than London, isn't at all dark as there's always a house or two with a light on.

That being said, I slept wonderfully all three nights, so I guess there's something to be said for an utter lack of light pollution.

We were super lucky with the weather - it was the first fully summer-like weekend of the year! Unfortunately, we did get unlucky with the evenings, all three of which were cloudy, so we didn't see any of the stars, which is such a shame as the area is known for its stargazing (because of that lack of light pollution!).

However, the chilly evenings did mean that we got to tack full advantage of the campfire. Rich cooked up some amazing meals on it - from duck eggs and bacon for breakfast to steaks and fish! We ate like kings, thanks in no small part to the local family-run supermarket Dike & Son, which is absolutely incredible. It's full of locally produced vegetables and jams and chutneys, as well as locally sourced meat and fish.

Because it's a family-run business, relying on local produce, I would recommend checking the prices as you go round though - we got a bit basket-happy and had a bit of a shock at the till!

My Stargazer Wrap finally got put to the use for which it was intended, though we didn't get any stars. You really don't realise how warm wool is until there's a breeze getting up and you need to wrap up. It still has a faint tang of woodsmoke which I love.

I have to confess to feeling incredibly sad when we had to head back on Monday morning. It felt so incredibly good to be master of my time, to abandon our phones and their clocks and apps. I think weekends like this one teach you a great deal about what you want in your life.


(I did use my phone a few times, to try and capture the crackle of the campfire, the rain pattering on our roof and the distance bleat of the sheep. I'm hoping they came out well enough to share on my podcast which I'll be launching at the end of the month.)

Wardrobe Dreams

I recently popped into Fat Face to use some of my birthday vouchers. I set myself a challenge - not to buy anything in blues or sea greens. My entire wardrobe is made up of blues and I really want to diversify my colour options!

I bought a lovely white shirt, a biscuity coloured cardigan and a cream dress with pink and green flowers and it is so easy to mix and match with them, I want to boost that end of my wardrobe. So I was already thinking about how to improve my wardrobe when I caught up on the latest Inside Number 23 episode in which Katie talks about body confidence and creating a wardrobe that actually works well together and for you and your body type.

While I'm much happier with my current capsule wardrobe, it's not as cohesive as I would like. So I thought I'd put together a few ideas of things that I would like to make or buy to create my ultimate dream wardrobe.

Fat Face has become one of my go-to places for wardrobe inspiration (probably doesn't hurt that it's just around the corner from my house!) as it has a laid back vibe that I really enjoy, but the pieces can still be dressed up easily into a chic outfit. I really love this Polzeath jumper and Elgin Waterfall cardigan for easy layering. I also fell head over heels for their botanical print sleepwear, but it's all out of stock, sob!

I'd also highly recommend Fat Face for underwear and socks - well made and well priced which is not always easy to find when looking to buy ethically.

When it comes to making, I have been heavily influenced by Kristen of the Yarngasm podcast and Katie of Inside Number 23, both of whom have made Anna dresses, which I am keen to make myself. I feel these would go well with my love of coloured tights, leggings and ankle boots or chunky Doc Marten heels. I'd love a couple in plain colours, then one or two in fun prints (Kristen's octopus print is fantastic!).

Another staple that I'd love to run up for my wardrobe is the Anderson Blouse by Sew Over It. I think they're so simple and elegant - they'd be great for work, but also work with my off-duty uniform of jeans and boots! I'd especially love these in an interesting print, especially for work as it's hard to be yourself and be professional at the same time. But I think the Brittany Garden print and this subtle Little Foxes print would be perfect.

Now, I just need to figure out how to actually go about sewing in our flat, which is really quite small... Thoughts?!

The 100 Day Project

Yesterday was the start of the 100 Day Project, a challenge I spotted on Instagram in the morning and knew immediately I needed to take part in.

You can read more about the project here, but the jist is that you choose an action and perform it every day for 100 days. After my recent obsession with Before ThanBefore by Gretchen Rubin, I’m feeling drawn to habitual type projects at the moment.

I wish I’d heard of the challenge sooner so that I could take more time to think about what I wanted to do. But I decided to act on one of Rubin’s main points and just start – no waiting until I’d come up with the perfect idea, until I had bought all the things I needed or until I ‘had time.’

I mused on what my action would be on the way to work and I kept coming back to work. I’m in my first ever 9-5 (previously I’ve only ever worked shifts), so work is taking up a large amount of my time. I’ve been thinking lately that I want to make sure I’m getting all I can out of it – that I’m always learning, that I’m pursuing the things I’m interested in and growing in the direction I want to grow in.

So I’m going to be journaling a page a day in my bullet journal for the next hundred days. I’ve put together about 25 questions for myself so far and we’ll see what other questions my writing throws up.

Writing for me has always been the best way I know to get over things. I have a tendency to mull things over in my head for hours or days on end, but I very rarely get anywhere. It’s only when I sit down to write a to do list does it look less overwhelming; it’s only when I scribble furiously that I get anger out of my system.

I’ve never tried journaling before. I used to keep a diary, but that was more of a log of my day rather than targeted at anything in particular. I’m hoping that by setting myself a question every day and a one-page limit, it will be a wooden spoon that stirs up all sorts of interesting thoughts and avenues to pursue. You can check out my posts for this project on my Instagram page and under the hashtag I created for it - #100daysofhippyvalues.

Would love to hear if any of you are attempting this challenge and what you’re doing!